Death

Well, ten years ago today My father died. I couple of months ago I was laying awake at night thinking about it and got pretty scared. It was Father's day just before that and I just completely ignored it, putting it out of my mind. Post Secret had a bunch of Father's Day inspired secrets and one of them struck very close to home for me. It said "I wish I had gotten to know my Father." Regret in my life has been the sourest, bitterest of all pills I have had to deal with. Every time I think about the last month or so of my Father's life I feel like I'm a step closer to an ulcer. I have a few 'excuses' that help me, like the fact that I was fifteen and my brain wasn't yet fully developed, so I just couldn't handle the reality of it all.

Death is such a weird thing when I think about it sometimes. Like Jason Senechal. It's like the people who I cared about and died are swimming around my subconscious. I dream about both my Dad and Jason from time to time, but never in the same dream (that I can remember). Most always when I dream about my Dad, it is as if he never died, but just left home or something like that, or even faked the whole thing. I go out for coffee with him and ask him why he left, and he just says he sort of had to, and we leave it at that. It's funny though, because it's as if deep down I still can't accept that he's gone.

When I dream about Jason, it's different. The last one that I remember with Jason goes like this: I walked into a room with all my friends and Jason was there. I thought to myself, this can't be real because Jason died. I'll go punch him and if it hurts him than it must be real (the logic was, of course, infallible). Well, he didn't like the punch so I figured it must be real, which must have meant not that Jason was alive, but that I was dead too. This came to me as pretty good news, because I got to hang out with Jason. I was never really close with Jason, but it was still good news.

It does make me wonder if I'll ever see them again. I don't know what comes after this life. Golden streets in a bright, glowing ancient Roman'esque town seems like a bit of a pipedream. I would prefer a hammock by the beach, some divegear lying relatively wet beside me, sipping beer, looking forward to dinner with my Father...Jason said he might stop by too.